I (this is Avie) often have ideas, images, opinions, and emotions to share. But by the time I get the chance to think about them I have no opportunity or stage to share them. Rather than a traditional blog I am going to use space as my version of a blog. My past entries will not be available for viewing and should you feel like commenting you'll be hard pressed to find a place to do it. However, keep checking here because I swear some of my sentiments are life changing or at least they are to me.
10/28/2008 - Becoming Me. You know when you're at the optometrist and while looking through the giant metal viewers he(or she) asks you to tell them when the two images meet and become clear? Well I believe this is an allegory for my life. Up unitl now I feel I have been juggling two seperate images of myself neither of which I can quite get a handle on. On one side I have my love of all things worldly but it is fuzzy because it always leaves me wanting more. On the other I have my desire to be radient with the love of God. But this is clouded by my inability to fully grasp what that looks like or means. This duality has meant that I have been untrue to myself for years. As a result there is a possibility that I, at one point, have been untrue to you. Though I couldn't say how or when - just that its a possibility.
While I am not there yet, for the first time, I feel that the two versions of me are beginning to come to an impasse. The woman, wife, mother, friend, and daughter I desire to be is becoming whole. At least thats my hope. I am not ashamed of my belief in God nor am I ashamed of my past rather I see them both working in tandem to enable me to have perspective of the present, appreciate what has passed, and work towards a clear and un-fuzzy future.
I still don't know what it means to live radiently other than to not be ashamed of what I believe, to love my family whole heartedly, and continue to be passionate about loving other people.... After all who would we be if there weren't people to love and help? What other purpose is there on this earth? We were created to love and every other effort aside from that falls short. Thats a glimpse into the Avie I want to be. . . If only I could be that Avie all the time without the daily desire to shop at Anthroplogie or get frustrated at a dirty house or crying child.
So until my vision is "20/20" or all things aren't fuzzy - I strive to be true to God, myself, and you.